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Repeated Miscarriages and Folic Acid…What You Need To Know
October 12, 2024Breaking the silence on male grief and fostering healing after loss.
When it comes to reproductive loss, the narrative often focuses on women’s experiences. While the emotional and physical toll on women is undeniable, this focus can sometimes overshadow another reality: Men also face profound grief and loss. Their experiences, however, are often invisible, to others and to themselves.
The Silent Struggle
Men often find themselves standing on the sidelines of reproductive loss. Research indicates that men experience feelings of helplessness, guilt, and sadness just as poignantly as their partners. However, these emotions are rarely expressed openly (Beutel et al., 1996; Due et al., 2017).
Instead of sharing their pain, men may feel obligated to “stay strong” for their partners as societal scripts demand stoicism, positioning men as the steady presence during times of crisis. Many men thus silently shoulder the emotional load, prioritizing their partner’s needs in the belief that expressing their grief could burden their partner or make them appear weak.
This unspoken burden shapes how men process grief, which often manifests differently than their female partner’s grief. Emotional withdrawal, immersion in work, or engaging in solitary activities are common ways to cope. These strategies, while intended to protect themselves and their partners, can lead to isolation and make the loss harder to bear.
Consider Tom, who experienced the loss of a child through a miscarriage. In an effort to cope and contribute, he began working long hours at the office, convinced that providing financial stability was the best way to support his partner, Sarah. However, Sarah misinterpreted his actions as emotional withdrawal, leaving her feeling abandoned during a time when she needed connection the most. Tom, on the other hand, believed he was fulfilling his role as a provider while silently grappling with the profound loss of his identity as a father. Such situations highlight how grief can manifest differently, often leading to misunderstandings. When men’s grief doesn’t conform to societal expectations, it can mistakenly be perceived as indifference or a lack of commitment to the shared loss. This disconnect can deepen the emotional divide, leaving both partners feeling unsupported and disconnected.
When Grief Goes Unseen
The inability or unwillingness to allow men to grieve openly carries profound consequences. When men are unable to express their grief, it does not disappear; it often transforms into unresolved emotional pain. Suppressed emotions can linger beneath the surface, manifesting as heightened stress, anxiety, or depression.
For example, Mark, whose wife underwent multiple failed IVF cycles, started experiencing frequent outbursts of anger at work. He avoided discussing his grief, feeling immense pressure to remain positive and fearing it would make him appear weak. Over time, this avoidance caused strain in his relationships and left him feeling like a failure.
Over time, the weight of unprocessed grief can erode self-esteem and foster a sense of inadequacy, especially in a world that equates masculinity with control and resilience.
The burden of unspoken grief does not stop at home. It often follows men into the workplace, where the expectation to “carry on as usual” forces them to suppress their emotions further. This can lead to burnout, reduced productivity, and difficulty concentrating. Professional environments that fail to acknowledge or accommodate emotional struggles inadvertently reinforce the idea that vulnerability is incompatible with success, leaving men feeling disengaged and undervalued.
At a broader level, societal narratives that demand stoicism from men perpetuate harmful stereotypes about masculinity. These narratives isolate grieving men and discourage future generations from embracing emotional authenticity. By promoting a false narrative that diminishes men’s emotional experiences, society misses an opportunity to create a culture of inclusion and understanding, where all forms of grief are seen, validated, and supported.
Changing the Narrative: Embracing Differences and Creating Space
Shifting the narrative around men and grief requires a collective effort to challenge outdated societal norms. It starts with recognizing that vulnerability is not a weakness but a form of strength. Grief may manifest differently for men, appearing quieter or more action-oriented rather than openly emotional. This does not make the grief any less valid.
There is a fine balance between accepting the typical ways men express themselves and encouraging them to explore more. The idea that men must remain strong and silent to demonstrate their strength is a false narrative, and we must correct it by fostering an environment where men feel encouraged to express themselves. This may go against the grain for many men and feel unnatural at first. However, our shared humanity underscores the need to express ourselves. Whether through verbal communication, physical actions, or creative outlets, men should be encouraged to find their unique forms of outward expression.
Acknowledging and Processing Grief
Kevin, after a stillbirth, found clarity in moments of quiet reflection during his evening runs with his running group. Physical activity allowed him to process his emotions in a way that felt natural and unforced, helping him identify and make sense of his grief.
For others, seeking support through counseling or therapy offers a space to explore emotions without judgment. Group settings specifically for men, like reproductive loss support groups, can also provide an opportunity to connect with others who share similar experiences.
Some men find it helpful to express emotions indirectly through creative outlets—writing, sketching, or even building something tangible. These acts channel feelings into something physical or visual, making abstract emotions feel more manageable.
Encouraging men to experiment with these options allows them to find a method of expression that feels both authentic and sustainable. By embracing moments of quiet reflection and exploring new avenues for expression, men can begin to recognize and name their emotions. Even when these feelings remain unresolved, this simple act of acknowledgment can be a powerful step toward processing pain.
Finding Connection in Loss
Leaning on Each Other: Grief can be deeply isolating, but shared acts provide an opportunity for couples to acknowledge their loss together in meaningful ways. These rituals do not need to be elaborate; a simple quiet walk together can serve as a grounding practice and allow for co-regulation, a process where one person’s emotional state helps stabilize and influence another’s. This synchrony can naturally help regulate the nervous system by promoting a sense of safety and connection. It is particularly effective for partners who may struggle to express their grief verbally, offering a way to stay connected without the pressure of conversation. This quiet companionship fosters emotional balance and can strengthen the bond between partners as they navigate difficult times together.
Making Space for Individual and Shared Needs: Grieving together does not mean losing sight of individual coping needs. A healthy balance involves respecting each other’s ways of processing while finding common ground. This might look like giving space for one partner to retreat when needed, while the other seeks comfort in conversation. Recognizing and respecting these differences is a key step toward avoiding miscommunication or misinterpreted intentions during a vulnerable time.
Healing Together
By creating room for self-reflection, shared rituals, and mutual support, men can approach their grief in ways that feel authentic to them. This not only fosters personal healing but also strengthens the bond between partners. Together, they contribute to a broader cultural shift, one that normalizes male vulnerability and cultivates a more compassionate understanding of their grief.
